Catholic Online Forum

I know people don't want personal information on here, but I'm looking for a bit of spiritual guidance. Please help.

I just got married less than a month ago. It is a long distance relationship. Therefore we just had a civil marriage, so that we can get all our sponsorship papers in order and then we're planning to have a church wedding in 6 months.

After our civil wedding, I went back home to my country and discovered I have an STD. I'm sure I got it from my husband because there's no other person I could have gotten it from unless it was from 3 years ago. I confronted my husband about it but he swears he hadn't slept with anyone else since we met. I don't know whether to believe him or not. He actually sounds really sincere about it. This has been an emotional ride for the both of us.

He says he still loves me and would do anything to keep our marriage alive. He also swears he's being honest with me in saying he has been with no one else since we met. I just don't know what to believe anymore.

This has all left me wondering what I should do. I've prayed and prayed, but I haven't received a sign what to do either way. Should I honour my vows even though they are civil? Should I forge ahead with the sponsorship process and have the church wedding?

I'm at a loss.

Melissa (last name removed by moderator)

Melissa,

Welcome to the forum! Just so you know, as a moderator I'm going to remove your last name from your post just in case it can be used to identify you. Unfortunately, employers and other people might do a search on your name and find out things you'd rather they not know.

I prefer to treat such situations as hypothetical, because although you've laid out a certain amount of information, you haven't told every single thing, and neither should you. You don't want all your information to be all over the place.

If it were me, I would find out about things like incubation periods and possible dormant cycles for the disease in question. I'm under the impression that some can take a while. I don't know about three years, but I haven't studied any in depth. I would make sure my partner has been tested for the disease in question. Whatever the outcome of our relationship, it's important that he look into that. If both partners have had past relationships where such things could come into play, it could have been dormant in either person and blame is a bit silly. However it came to happen, both need to deal with it now and how they choose to do that will define how the marriage proceeds.

For more specific issues of what one should and should not do, I would find a priest who can give good advice that's faithful to the Magisterium. There's going to be a painful honest moment about the fact that since the couple hasn't been married in the Church, they're not really married, but most of the priests I know will look at the couple's intention to make things right with Our Lord and work on how to get them there.

Saying a prayer that you will receive the prudence you need to work through this.

_________________
Rose West
"May God help us not to spoil His work" (Bl. Mother Theresa)

Melissa,

So many considerations. I'm assuming you are Catholic here and that your civil husband is baptized. You do not state that explicitly. You (and your civil husband) need to speak with a Catholic counselor who can help guide you through the many considerations. You are not married in the eyes of the Church at this point. Therefore, you will be free to marry someone else if you choose, once you go through the civil divorce process and the administrative process of declaring your marriage null because of lack of form. Once you go through a wedding before an official witness for the Church using the Catholic rite, however, you are bound to this person until death. There might even be the question now of whether you are capable of giving valid consent to this particular man given your serious doubts about his fidelity and your ability to live with him in matrimony if his infidelity were confirmed. You need a priest who can dig more deeply with you to help you work this out, because without valid consent there also is no marriage, even if you go through a Church wedding ceremony before an official witness (priest or deacon or lawfully designated layperson).

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Dean
Most people's sense of history goes back to breakfast time - Benjamin Netanyahu

Thank you for your replies.

The incubation period for this particular STD is 1-3 weeks, but someone could have it and not know it for years until it is treated. I suppose I should really be angry that he didn't protect himself, and I should be angry with myself as well for not being diligent.

I actually do believe that he was faithful to me during our relationship. I think he's being honest, and I think he's sincere in his regret and anger with himself. but maybe that makes me a fool. I don't know.

Melissa

Melissa,

Maybe I am reading too much into this when I conclude you somewhat 'rushed' into a civil marriage for the sake of some immigration requirements? Who is sponsoring who?

In my opinion, rushing into a marriage for immigration or any other reason rather than simply getting married for the reason of love is potential cause for concern. Even if such a marriage was valid 'Catholic' in all other regards there is still the question of potential duress and or pressure regarding the intent to marry. Under these conditions there may always be a question as to free consent being given by either or both parties.

If you were both truly in love and wished to get married then in my opinion there would be no questions and any distance or immigration waiting period would not be a problem.

I suggest that as you pray for guidance you as well consider why the rush and whether there was pressure to consent.

_________________
Daniel

"Do you think that I have come to establish peace on the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division." -- Luke 12:51

Melissa,

I've never been married and have no insight whatsoever. I can only offer my prayers for the two of you that you may resolve this issue guided by the light of Christ and the Church. A sacramental marriage is something else entirely than a civil one and Christ must be in the center of it. I don't know where you live but in addition to speaking to a priest, you may perhaps find an orthodox Catholic therapist who will help you under the guise of the Church. The priest or the archdiocese may know of one.

_________________
Valerie Garcia
vals1990@yahoo.com

"Listen, O my son, to the precepts of thy master, and incline the ear of thy heart, and cheerfully receive and faithfully execute the admonitions of thy loving Father, that by the toil of obedience thou mayest return to Him ....." St. Benedict

Certain std's can be on dormant cycles for years or not show symptoms at all. If both have had sexual relations before it is difficult to say from where it came from. The problem I see is you seem to be having doubt of your husband's fidelity and that is a big thing if you are contemplating marriage. You should marry a man you have absolutely no doubts about his fidelity. Pray on it.

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-Marie