Catholic Online Forum

I am planning to attend the wedding of a cousin’s kid, who I know was baptized but is wedding outside of the Church. I am not too excited about attending (but not meaning to insult). My wife points out that the reading in yesterday’s daily was where Jesus points out our faith will divide families. What is the most appropriate thing to do in this case? I am thinking, smile and wish them luck and leave early. I am also thinking that missing the ceremony is OK. Thoughts? Advice?

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BobB

Fiat voluntas tua

BobB,

If I didn't see my family go through the stages of their life unless they were doing it exactly as I would prefer than I would never see my family. They are all baptized Catholics and even went through all the sacraments (my mother and siblings...my father was probably never even baptized) but none are practicing any religion other than my younger brother who is a fairly serious Buddhist.

Honestly I have never understood this question though I know that there are those on this forum who disagree. People fall away from the faith, sometimes after having a child they come back to it and I don't see any good coming from you shortchanging your attendance because of your relatives choice to have a non-Catholic wedding. I rather preferred to go to my brother's secular weddings as opposed to attending my cousin's Catholic wedding when he and his wife had always made it very clear to their parents that they should not expect any grandchildren and this cousins father is a Deacon who married them.

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Valerie Garcia
vals1990@yahoo.com

"Listen, O my son, to the precepts of thy master, and incline the ear of thy heart, and cheerfully receive and faithfully execute the admonitions of thy loving Father, that by the toil of obedience thou mayest return to Him ....." St. Benedict

Bob,

Attendance at the Ceremony is a mark of your approval. Personally I probably would not attend; but other here disagree with me.

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Bob C

You know he was Baptized? What about the other Sacraments? If this child was not raised Catholic, it could make a difference (he wouldn't know any better). I would ask my pastor.

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Rose West
"May God help us not to spoil His work" (Bl. Mother Theresa)

I am torn on this matter.

A few years ago a friend of mine, a Protestant, was marrying a Catholic who purported to be Catholic, but disagreed with the Church on various matters. They decided to be married at a schismatic "Catholic" church in the area, and I clearly could not attend, because a) it was at a schismatic , one might even say heretical, church and b) it was a person who was Catholic who was being married in flagrant disobedience to the Church.

Now I contrast that with someone who was originally baptized Catholic but who, for all cultural intents and purposes, is no longer Catholic. As we all know, once one is baptized, he is always a Catholic, always a son of God by adoption into the family which is the Church. It is difficult to see a scandal in this case, because the person does not represent themselves as a Catholic and has no regard for the Church other than indifference at best.

That said, it is an opportunity to stand up for our faith in the permanent results of a sacrament; that no matter what a person does, they remain a baptized Catholic. The witness of that, of the indelible mark left on a person at baptism, could be powerful. We all know that our witness to the truth, our integrity of living by our principles, can be very effective in showing the world that our faith and our God is real and that they are worth investigation and conversion.

In sum, I tend to lean away from attending, but am open to the possibility of being in error.

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Jeff Stevens

This is such a loaded issue I think one has to look at it on a case by case basis. Personally I am glad my in-laws didn't ignore my civil marriage to their son. They kept praying we would return to the Church and do things correctly. And we did. They loved us in our sin and that love helped me to come back.

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Mary-Love

Jesus, I trust in You.

Bob,

I think leaving early would be ill-mannered. Presenting one's self at the reception after having absented one's self from the ceremony would be even more ill-mannered.

I think you already know your duty, which is why you're asking. I'm sorry I can't say what you want to hear.

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James Daly

"It is the Lord." (Jn 21:7)

Thank you all for your advice. I have to admit we went, and we missed the ceremony which was 10 minutes prior to the reception at the hall. Traffic was the primary cause, but I suppose both my wife and I dragged our feet a little. My cousin, mother of the groom, was happy we came. We feel a little like hypocrites. I am sad for what the secular forces have done to the meaning of marriage. I am praying for their conversion and for my children to not be overcome with this darkness.

Saturday’s reading from St. Paul and the homily was how we need to act with both truth and with love. Maybe, I should have decided to act with more focus on truth, in this instance, which might have had me not attending this Friday Wedding.

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BobB

Fiat voluntas tua

Bob,



The focus needs to be on both truth and love. Not one more than the other.

There is no one size fits all answer to situations like this. In this particular situation, I would have made the same decision that you did - to go to the ceremony and the reception.


Effie

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“The business of Progressives is to go on making mistakes. The business of Conservatives is to prevent mistakes from being corrected.” –G.K Chesterton

I wouldn't go. Going gives it the mark of your approval.

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-Lou (Louis)

ORA et LABORA
Totus Tuus
Cacciatore/Fungaiolo

Luigi,

I'll just say again that I really never understand these threads. I guess because I grew up believing that family was everything and I cannot imagine not being with my brothers on their wedding day or all my brothers being there in the hospital with champagne when brother #6's wife was giving birth to their child born out of wedlock. My father did not approve of my being confirmed but he was there and took pictures and paid for the reception after....and yet it went against everything he believed in.

I guess having felt so much pressure to not be Catholic has left me feeling that it is not for me to refuse to celebrate with a couple who have chosen not to be a practicing Catholic.

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Valerie Garcia
vals1990@yahoo.com

"Listen, O my son, to the precepts of thy master, and incline the ear of thy heart, and cheerfully receive and faithfully execute the admonitions of thy loving Father, that by the toil of obedience thou mayest return to Him ....." St. Benedict

Valerie,

Our duties to our families are important. Our duties to our Holy Mother the Church, which include loyalty, are also important. Should the two come into conflict, our duty to the Church (our duty to Christ) takes precedence.

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James Daly

"It is the Lord." (Jn 21:7)

And what happens when the family member marrying out of the church or without a decree of nullity hasn't got a clue as to what the Church really teaches about the Sacrament of Matrimony? The only thing they are going to see is some rigid, unbending, religious fanatic throwing a wet blanket on their day. Good way way to win converts and reverts - NOT.

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Mary-Love

Jesus, I trust in You.

Mary-Love made a very important comment.



I hope that people read and re-read what she wrote because that's the point. If someone chooses not to go to such a wedding - and they have EVERY right not to go, they need to be careful how say it. If in the process of being "right" we end up driving people further away then we have failed in our duty to spread the Gospel.

Of course I am not saying (and neither is she) that we are to "tolerate" every idea out there. As I said to Bob earlier, the focus should be on both truth and love. It's not one or the other.

Mary-Love also said:


In a case like that I couldn't attend because in the eyes of the Church the person is still married. While they don't know the Church's teachings, I do. I would simply tell the couple that I was unable to attend. If pressed I would explain it as lovingly as possible. If at that point they view me, and the Church, as rigid or unbending, there is really nothing that I can do about that. However if I had called up relatives and trashed so and so, then it would have been my fault if my actions drove them further away.


Effie

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“The business of Progressives is to go on making mistakes. The business of Conservatives is to prevent mistakes from being corrected.” –G.K Chesterton

Effie,

I agree with what you are saying but I think that Mary-Love's statement of:



Is far more important than the other. Those persons need to be instructed long before it becomes a crisis.

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Bob C

I understand that my actions need to be focused on both truth and love (thanks Effie), but I guess my point was I was too concerned about offending and did not prepare in a way to educate or evangelize (if that is the right word) what is in the right light (the truth) of the Church. If I don’t go to the reception, I don’t do either… That was what led me to go.

But what happened there I was not prepared for…Male of honor instead of Maid, skeletons on the wedding cake, vows communicated from Taco Bell Steve, being told that they lived together before the wedding. I said nothing. It’s not that I am a naive; I was unprepared to respond to these issues as they popped up. Did not saying anything mean I condone it? I felt that as a Catholic I was in a minority there. I have much to reflect and pray over what happened in this situation.

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BobB

Fiat voluntas tua

I think that works with nieces, nephews, etc. I know in my case it would not have worked with my step-daughter. Never mind if she thought I was a fanatic - she already thinks that. But it would have caused such damage that there would be no chance she might even consider having a simple conversation with me about coming back to the Church. I think I left the door open for her in this case.

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Mary-Love

Jesus, I trust in You.

I think that we have to do the best we can given the circumstances.

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Bob C