Catholic Online Forum

Something that has been playing on my mind a lot is:
How do you know this is the right person to spend the rest of your life with?

My family has given me the 'you just know' answer, but I was hoping for something more

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Keaghan

Hmmmm....I got that from my parents too.
I think if I had to do it all over again, I would make sure now that I evaluate far more important things than I did.
I would put my faith life at the top of the list. If it doesn't completely jive with my partner, I would reconsider.
See, when the honeymoon is over, the kids are born etc., the REAL love and commitment becomes apparent. Love is far more than chemistry, a feeling and a "you just know".
Compatibility involves the same church and same ideas on God and family, an evaluation of unconditional love.....now that can be difficult when not married. But, do your best to see if whatever trials and tribulations may enter your married life........and they will, that BOTH of you will stand together.
My prayers are with you for making the right decision.

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http://www.frontlineconservatives.com

If God leads you to it...He will lead you through it!
Linda Marie Ann

How do you know this is the right person to spend the rest of your life with?



Doesn't the 'Rite of Marriage' prepare one to better answer these questions?

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Pax et Bonum


Schultzz

By the time you go through the rite of marriage it is a little to late. That should take place at the far end of that learning curve.

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David L (CA)
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” - Groucho Marx

Hi Keagan,

You should look for something more than just physical attraction. Take your time and experience different events together. Talk about things that will come up once you're married like, money, leisure, work, kids, in-laws, etc. Marriage preparation courses are ideal to do this.

Get to know his/her family. If you're a woman, see how he treats the women in his family. Very important.

Robert

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Ma mission [est] de faire aimer le bon Dieu comme je l'aime. (Sainte Thérèse de l'Enfant-Jésus) My mission is to have God loved as I love Him.

If the person has a close relationship with God, then they will somehow know it-so your family is right in this case. Nevertheless, one cannot not apply their "reason" to the relationship. The two have to be able to have many things in common including religion. One has to spend a long enough time, to find out the characteristics of the other person during different situations in life.
So one should use their reason (hopefully without emotions interfering) and one has to pray about it to God while in a state of grace.

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In Christ
Kim, M



"....abstinence and chastity, dispose man very much to the perfection of intellectual operation.” St Thomas Aquinas

Keaghan,
You DO NOT JUST KNOW! That only happens pre-60s and in movies. Marriage is very serious and next to a vocation it is the most important commitment you will ever make.

Others have given great advice. I would add a long courtship, if you have not both of you should finish school and take time to understand yourselves. If you have self esteem issues, work them out before dating seriously.

Consider what life would be like if that person were injured and permanantly disabled, if they were to suffer a longterm ilness, if you found yourselves dirt poor, if you had a child with a disability or one that (God forbid) died. Is this the kind of relationship that could whether the worst? The only way to know is to KNOW the person and that takes time.

Look beyond the glamour of infatuation and question what it really means to love someone. WHen you vow to love in the marriage vow you enter into a relationship between God, your spouse and yourself. You promise to love that person as God loves them-unconditionally. Can you force yourself, when they are at their worst to view them with the love of a parent, as God does with each of us?

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MariaToribia
Christ said, "I am the Truth"; he did not say "I am the custom." -- St. Toribio

For me there was an element of "just knowing". My DH was the first man whom I could imagine spending the rest of my life with. I had a sense of peace when I imagined being married to him.

That doesn't mean I was ever uncertain, scared, or nervous. I remember spending countless hours in prayer considering it. I remember it just got to a point where I said, "Okay, I am just going to keep going the way I am going now (engagement and marriage) and if You don't want me to marry this man, please make it obvious."

I had already been through discerning the religious life and I knew the unsetting feeling I had in the pit of my stomach that it was somehow not right. I figured I would feel that again if it was not right to marry my DH. I obviously never felt that because here we are, five years and three kids later.

I also remember making a conscience decision to choose to love my DH. It wasn't a feeling that just overwhelmed me and I had no choice in the matter. After going through all that I mentioned above, I made the choice to love him and marry him. Everyday now I make the same choice. When things are tough and we're upset with each other or I feel like we're not going in the direction I think we should be as a couple, I remember that moment where I made that choice. No one forced me into this. I chose him, he chose me. We keep choosing each other and working through any problems we have.

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God bless,
Krista

Happily celebrating twelve years of lurking.

Maria,



Marriage is, by definition, a vocation and is as important and permanent a commitment as that of ordination.

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Dean
Most people's sense of history goes back to breakfast time - Benjamin Netanyahu

Keaghan,

If you wait until you are absolutely sure, you will never get married. A courtship free of a sexual relationship is meant, with a clear head, to determine whether you complement each other, whether your views are compatible on faith, child-rearing, finances, life goals, etc., and whether you can tolerate or are willing to work on the faults of each other.

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Dean
Most people's sense of history goes back to breakfast time - Benjamin Netanyahu

Keaghan,

For me there was also a sense of just knowing. I never, ever thought I would get married. I just could not see it happening. My college roommates did not think I was the marrying type. They laughed at the thought of me having to answer to anyone for anything.

I met my husband and there was something different. Something that can not be explained. We started out as very good friends. Then there was this little check list that I went thru in my head and I could not find anything wrong.

He was a good Catholic, a good person, a fun person, he was just gorgeous , he thought I was great, etc., etc. and then slowly I started to imagine sharing my life. I just knew it was going to be a good thing. I never once had second thoughts or was nervous about it or anything.

We did have to face the hurdle of children. I did not think I was meant to be a mom. I could not imagine myself in that role. I never even babysat. He definitely wanted children. We agreed to put it in God's hands...........

I know you don't want to hear it.........but you will just know.

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Elizabeth

"Jesus go before me and prepare the way"

A very sage old aunt of mine, when asked the same question said...

"you'll know, because you won't be able to live without them".

And for me, that was true. I could just see that I was going to grow old with the man who is now my husband. Don't get me wrong, it ain't easy sometimes, but i wouldn't be without him. And I cannot imagine my life without him.

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Best Wishes,

Clare Rickett

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort"
Herm Albright 1876-1944

Isn't that the most wonderful feeling?? But, I have to say that it doesn't always work. For me, at least, that happened a few times in relationships. My first marriage was to a non-Catholic who didn't follow through on his vows. Perhaps if he had been Catholic, as I am, it would've made a difference.
I still maintain that love is more than a feeling. Without substance there is nothing.

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http://www.frontlineconservatives.com

If God leads you to it...He will lead you through it!
Linda Marie Ann

Dean,



Well said, and so very true!

I think the answer to the original question is different for different people. DH likes to say that he was 99% sure that I was "the one" the first time we met and it took two years to convince him the rest of the way

For me it wasn't so much a question of whether or not he was the one, but whether or not I was mature enough to commit. (Mind you, I had fallen away from the Church at that point, so my criteria at the time were very different.) I knew DH was the person I wanted to be with, but what I took a while to decide was whether or not I could be that selfless--was the relationship worth giving up a lot of old behaviors and ideas?

Obviously, it was

Marriage takes courage! Coming from a split home it was difficult for me to imagine taking such a huge step.

But I don't think you ever know what your marriage will be like until you are actually comitted to someone. It's like trying to describe what a roller coaster feels like. I can jump off a chair and think that it is "kind of like that" but it isn't really.

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Diana

"It is no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our preaching. "

St . Francis of Assisi

Wow! What a great bunch of answers... thank you so much!

The relationship has not gotten to this level of seriousness by any means, but it has been brought up... along with kids and finances and careers. I have known him for 5, almost 6 years, but we only recently started to date. He has changed so much from the boy I met in high school!

A few brought up the point of religion. He was brought up Catholic, but has become more agnostic as he got older. However, he has been going to church with me every Sunday and said he would continue to go as long as I wanted because he knows it is important to me and wants to support me. His commitment to supporting me, waiting for me, doing what he can to make my life easier and happier blows my mind. I am not at this point, but I can feel myself wanting to do those things for him as well. He is one of the most patient men I've ever met... Lord knows I'm not!


This is something I hadn't thought of - THANK YOU!

I am excited to see where this goes and spend time with his family (kudos to Robert on seeing how he treats his mother). Maybe I'll figure out what this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach is when I stop worrying about what could go wrong and focus on what's going right!

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Keaghan

Keagan,
That sounds like a good start! Friends for 5 years!
Friendship is extremely important for sure!!
Enjoy what you have going on right now. If it's meant to be, from what you've just said, I DO think you'll know. You have known this man for quite some time now.
Good Luck and I'd love to hear where this goes in the future!

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http://www.frontlineconservatives.com

If God leads you to it...He will lead you through it!
Linda Marie Ann

Thanks! I think it's just hard because if he was still the person I met 5 years ago, no way no how would I even be dating him. He's really turned his life around. Maybe *that's* the cause of the nagging feeling!

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Keaghan

Ahhhhhhh.....never let that nagging feeling go away until you've identified it.
Sometimes it's there to tell you something.
But, there's quite a bit of maturity we go through between high school and post college, for example. So what he was then, may really have been changed for the better now.
It's so good that you're looking into this so deeply. Yet, be careful not to over scrutinize or see things that aren't there. Does that makes sense?

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http://www.frontlineconservatives.com

If God leads you to it...He will lead you through it!
Linda Marie Ann

No over-thinking things. Got it

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Keaghan

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http://www.frontlineconservatives.com

If God leads you to it...He will lead you through it!
Linda Marie Ann

JMJ

Hello everybody,

for me to get the answer of this question is enough to look at mi wife and I know that I couldn't love somebody else ...

Beside that some people consider that question like temptation coming from the enemy (doubt in the God 's plan) and sometimes leading to adultery

Blessings

Philip

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I am Roman Catholic because I wanted to be a good Orthodox Christian

Phillip,

The question is, when you first met, at what point, and how, did you know that she was "the one"?

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David L (CA)
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” - Groucho Marx

Well I'm sorry about the misunderstanding ,

about the question, I don't think it came all of a sudden ... my opinion is that two people need time to get to know each other first, and after ..you know they take the decision.
It's like your heart and your mind need to have consensus about it .

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I am Roman Catholic because I wanted to be a good Orthodox Christian

blessings

Philip

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I am Roman Catholic because I wanted to be a good Orthodox Christian

Hi,
I can speak from some of my own experience. I felt the 'you just know feeling' with my husband before we married. I was 'in love' completely head over heal. I felt both God and destiny had shined on me and shown me the way. Now, years later, I am wishing with all my heart we had built the foundation of communication needed for a healthy relationship before having sex and before getting married.
COMMUNICATION is so much more important than the 'you just know' feeling. The 'you just know' feeling can also easily be substituted for the (amazing) 'falling in love' and 'lust' feelings which are all great and wonderful, but not a solid basis of a life-long relationship. Those same 'great' feelings can arise when they actually would damage us - like the temptation to stray.
When you find someone who you can confide in, who understands you, and who makes you want to actively persue becoming a better person, PLUS, the attraction which is so prevelant in the beginning of a relationship, THAT is more an indication of who your future partner might be.
Find someone who is willing to wait as long as it takes. Don't be rushed into sex, marriage or children. Those should all be decisions that are (ideally) discussed before they happen, and both parties should (ideally) come away from the discussion feeling HEARD and UNDERSTOOD.
Remember, no man or woman is perfect, that is why the church encourages premarital counsiling. There are so many difficult situations which arise in a marriage. Everyone can benefit from a coach to prepare them them for the future and guide them along the way. A Priest can help you, and you will have the tools on hand for when the rough times do come along. Because believe me, no marriage is without it's rough patches - but without COMMUNICATION, and a coach, a couple can be torn apart by a rough turning into an impassable canon.

I have to agree with the "you just know" philosophy. When I first met my wife, we couldn't stop talking to each other. It felt like I knew her forever. We were just friends for a while and then we started dating. It couldn't have worked out better...I've never had a better friend!

God Bless,
Gary

I don't think there is a magic formula for determining with whom you should spend the rest of your life. Some here say "you just know." Others say you must be rational rather than emotional.

I think there is an element of truth in both arguments. But I also believe that young, inexperience people (as most are when considering marriage) need thought, guidance and prayer.

My wife and I celebrated the 49th anniversary of our marriage last month.

While I have grown in wisdom and understanding (and still have a long way to go), I am fully aware that our marriage wouldn't have survived the early, impetuous years had she not been a rock. As a young man, I was immature and self-centered. Every day I thank God for sending me such a wonderful person. I cannot imagine life without her.

But without her patience and determination, we wouldn't have made it past the first year.

I don't believe "you just know" is always an accurate criterion by which to judge who should be your life-long companion. Sure, feelings play a part but reason should also be involved. Many people marry because "they just knew" but even a cursory glance at the divorce rate should give one a clue that there is more involved than that.

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In Christ,

Jim B

I will consider your position if stated with firm, well-thought-out, quiet reasoning. Hateful diatribe, ad hominem attacks and shouted rhetoric don't impress.

Update:

He proposed this weekend... and I of course said yes!!

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Keaghan

Keaghan,

CONGRATULATIONS to you both.

May God Bless you and walk with you both all the days of your life.

What wonderful news.

Maria

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Maria

Congratulations!

Engagement and Marriage Preparation is an important time for a couple I think. Hubby and I both benefitted greatly from it.

So have you set a date yet? When do I need to be sitting in front of my computer in a posh frock and hat?!

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Best Wishes,

Clare Rickett

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort"
Herm Albright 1876-1944