Catholic Online Forum

Hi All,

I need help and clarification.
I would like to know why the church consider birth control as a sin. I can understand that abortion is a sin, since u are destroying(murdering) a life formed by God. But for couples who do not want to have more children, I think birth control should be fine as we are not allowing a life to be formed or be destroyed.
I sometimes feel a victim to this rule of the church. Its because I am not able to take a decision against the church's law nor I am able to fullfil my roles as a wife to my husband. He being a doctor and not a staunch catholic, doesnt believe in NFP and insist that I go for artifical birth control or else we will never be intimate.Though I am depriving my desire, I am scared that my husband may do sometime against our marriage vows and might do extermely sinful.

What should I do.
Please help.

For love of catholic church
Julian

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Julia Joseph
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"Are you crying because you want to do God's will or because you want God to do your will?"
Confessor to St. Frances of Rome

Julia:

Artificial contraception is seen as a sin because it causes sexual intimacy to have pleasure as its only goal, without openness to new life. Even where a couple has decided to stop having children, the danger is that the woman and man become an object of sexual lust for each other. That would cause married love to no longer be a righteous and self-giving love, but a selfish love which seeks to be indulged and gratified. In some cases, even where the spouse uses contraception to please the other, adultery can still occur because the husband has already become used to seeing the woman as an object, instead of a person who deserves his absolute fidelity.

Some forms of contraception, such as the IUD, the pill, Norplant, and hormone injections, can have negative side effects for the health of the woman. They can also cause abortion, because if there is ovulation and fertilization, the embryo will find the uterus to be hostile because of contraceptive chemicals and it will not implant.

In the most desperate case, where the husband refuses to abide by the teaching of Scripture, then the woman can ask him to use contraception (the condom) so that she is not having to commit grave sin each day with the use of chemicals and devices upon her body. That is a last resort, but it is better than the husband dragging down the woman into grave sin when he is the one who insists on breaking God's commands.

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Sincerely in Christ,
Fr. Angel

I think that for some couples birth control is the best option.

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Malcolm Ladd

My husband was resistant to NFP as well, and I think he still has problems with it like the "forced" abstinence every few weeks.

But what I have found is amazing. I know so much more about my body and my cycles. I am not at the mercy of my "irregular" cycles anymore either. Now I realize that the cycles are not irregular at all, I just have two different cycles every other month. So many of my quirky "behaviors" and bodily pains, etc. now have a meaning. And, in addition, he and I are able to talk about a subject that has always been intensely private for me, I could never have broached this topic even with my husband in the past.

In my case, I have problems remembering to take medication regularly, even when it is vital that I do so - so taking the pill has never been an option. And I have rubber sensitivity, which ruled out many other things, and made my husband more willing to listen to my requests.

NFP is completely scientific, it is not religious gobbledy gook. I don't know how resistant your husband is, but I bought a book about NFP which went through all the science of it, and of different methods of birth control. It sold me on it. My husband has never read it despite my requests, but I cannot help but think it would help him understand it and the theology behind it as well.

As far as using birth control, I only know what I was told in the confessional, and since it may not apply to your case, I will not share that with you.

I wish you luck on your decision!

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Jennifer

Julia,
The Kipleys book, The Art of Natural Family Planning, is the book you need to share with your husband. It is extremely well-documented, very scientific, situation-specific (illness, menopause, etc.) - and the data is indisputable. It is a resource I think your MD husband would respect very much and be very much surprised by.

If you have trouble locating it, let me know. I think it's still a standard text for Couple-to-Couple League. I can't imagine it being out of print.

What your husband might eventually become sympathetic to is the understanding that our identity as male and female reflects the wholeness, the integrity, of the Nature of God - in Whose Image we are created. Our union with our spouse in the marital embrace has a theology behind it - as it is analogous to Christ's ultimate union with His Bride, the Church - and also to the integrity of the Creator.

Christopher West has what are probably the best English-language materials on the Theology of the Body. There is a four-tape set which was my introduction, and much longer tape/CD series.

Are you from another country? your use of English in your post suggests English may be your second language... If it is, maybe we have someone who can suggest other resources local to your area -

I think it would also be good if you could locate a Couple-to-Couple League group to visit. Surprisingly, it's the men I've talked with who've been part of NFP couple who are so very sold on this practice!
Praying for you, and for your husband's conversion of heart.

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Laura
Soli Deo Gloria
http://lauralowder.wordpress.com

"Since I cannot altogether live the life I would wish for, I must make my actual life better and more fruitful for God and for the souls who have been entrusted to me." Elisabeth Leseur, October 2, 1905

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Grace

As to the past, let us entrust it to God's mercy, the future to Divine Providence. Our task is to live holy the present moment. - Saint Gianna Molla

LOL - Good one, Grace!
But I fought back for Julian's sake -

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Laura
Soli Deo Gloria
http://lauralowder.wordpress.com

"Since I cannot altogether live the life I would wish for, I must make my actual life better and more fruitful for God and for the souls who have been entrusted to me." Elisabeth Leseur, October 2, 1905

Grace

I could've used that prayer a few minutes ago before I posted on another thread!

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Judas was the first to leave mass early

Grace0
I tried to reply to your email, but got that blasted "Permanent failure" message again.

I think you need to holler at your ISP.... LOL

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Laura
Soli Deo Gloria
http://lauralowder.wordpress.com

"Since I cannot altogether live the life I would wish for, I must make my actual life better and more fruitful for God and for the souls who have been entrusted to me." Elisabeth Leseur, October 2, 1905

Malcolm,

Artificial Birth Control is against the teachings of The Catholic Church and it's use is never an acceptable option for a married Catholic Couple.

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Bob C

MODERATOR'S WARNING

Several Posts were removed from this thread. They involved unsubstantiated vile accusations against a nation of Catholic husbands. Further unsubstantiated allegations of that nature may result in suspension of posting privileges.

Also removed were several messages that quoted the original problem.

BobC
COL Staff

Bob:

You are absolutely right about the Church teaching. Unfortunately, in some marriages, one of the spouses has lost their faith or the practice of it, and recovery doesn't seem imminent. A good Catholics should work tirelessly to steer their spouse away from sin. However, if that spouse is insisting on bringing sin into the marriage, and is threatening divorce over the issue, than the other spouse in a desperate measure can say, "then the sin will be on you, not on me." This option was permitted even in the traditional manuals of moral theology. Of course, it is an extreme option of last resort.

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Sincerely in Christ,
Fr. Angel

Jennifer B wrote:


Jennifer, could you tell me the name of that book?

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Mary-Love

Jesus, I trust in You.

JMJ

Fr. Angel,

the problem is that most people and 100% of the media (especially certain "Catholic" magazines) will take such exceptional conditions as an excuse to justify the freely chosen use of contraception "to avoid risks for the marriage", meaning that husband and wife neve have to discuss about the morality of an act, and the extraordinary circumstances become the norm. Most people seem unable to reason these days and much less to understand Catholic doctrine.

Besides, not all theologians agree on the "pro bono unitatis" principle. After all I am not responsible for the freely and autonomously chosen sinful acts of my spouse and if she leaves me because of my firm commitment to truth, I will bear the cross of separation, but she'll answer to God. The unity principle is stronger when there are children and/or when the spouse really doesn't have an alternative (for instance, physical threats: "let me use condoms/take this pill or I'll beat/kill you/leave you with 3 kids and a mortgage"). I can never choose an evil act, but in this case I accept to sustain the evil act performed/imposed on me because I have no alternative.

But these situations should be evaluated in private and on a case by case basis and with the help of a solid and experienced priest, lest people think that the use of contraceptives is OK on certain circumstances. It is never. Only a situation of real and demonstrable coercion could in certain extreme circumstances justify the victim spouse for passively accepting the violence of contraceptive acts, on condition that the firm resolve to change the sinful spouse's heart remains.

There have been quite a few debates on this (for instance: viewtopic.php?p=358009#p358009)

However, your correct specification wasn't Malcom's position and that's what made Bob's note necessary, especially in the light of other denials of Catholic doctrine on serious matters by the same poster.

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FabrizioParty like it's 1773!

The safest place for me to be is in the center of God's will, and if that is in the line of fire, that's where I'll be-Fr. T. Vakoc

Fabrizio:

Your words are an excellent clarification of the application of this principle from moral theology. I was not able to expand on what I said but your words have nicely summed up the correct way of seeing this problem. If the principle is not understood correctly, it can easily be used as an excuse and pretext to sin gravely.

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Sincerely in Christ,
Fr. Angel

JMJ

Thank you Father.

As an avid reader of your contributions to COL Forum I am humbled by your kind words!

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FabrizioParty like it's 1773!

The safest place for me to be is in the center of God's will, and if that is in the line of fire, that's where I'll be-Fr. T. Vakoc

Julia,
I can see that you are in a very difficult situation. Since your husband is a doctor, perhaps he would be open to an article in the British Medical Journal: BMJ. 1993 September 18; 307(6906): 723–726. From the abstract:


Another medical journal article he may find helpful is "A guide to interpreting contraceptive efficacy studies" by Trussel, et al. ObstetGynecol 1990:76:558-567. It states:

If he is concerned about periodic abstinence being unpleasant rather than method's effectiveness, perhaps he would be willing try NFP for a year and see what it is like. I am a convert to Catholicism and did not understand the teaching on birth control when I first became Catholic. However, I found I found most artificial methods unacceptable for medical reasons and my husband, a Catholic, wanted to obey the Church so we practiced NFP. After seeing how it enhanced our marriage, I became convinced that the Church was right.

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Jayne
"To avoid rash judgment, everyone should be careful to interpret insofar as possible his neighbour's thoughts, words and deeds in a favourable way." CCC 2478

I can understand your situation, my husband was babtized but is not a practicing Catholic, while I and my children are devout. I realize that NFP is supposed to involve both husband and wife, but I don't think anyone has pointed out that you could educate yourself by investigating NFP, the aforementioned book would seem the best guide. I would hope that on the days when you wish to abstain your husband respects your wishes. If he does not, then I believe that constitutes abuse and you should consult someone for counseling. Also if your husband is truly interested in the medical aspect then have him consider that there are serious risks involved in using artificial hormones, including birth control. It is you that faces the risk and not him, he does not have the right to inflict the risk of death or cancer on you! This is a point a make to all women using birth control, not just Catholics. I find it amazing that we are concerned with putting hormones and additives in our food and with corrupting the enviroment, but corrupting our bodies with unnecessary medications is perfectly acceptable. My prayers will be with you, you are not alone in this.
-Maria Toribia

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MariaToribia
Christ said, "I am the Truth"; he did not say "I am the custom." -- St. Toribio

I never used birth control when I was married. I think it is a matter of faith. Can we trust God to provide for the children He provides us? The answer is a resounding yes! How many children is too many for God to provide for? God can provide for the largest family and give the parents the grace to be the parents they need to be. I've seen this to be true time and again.

That said, I don't think child bearing has to always be the objective of the physical relationship. If a man and woman cannot conceive for any reason, then that does not make their physical relationship and enjoyment of each other sinful.

The bottom line is that I've never been comfortable with the idea of birth control. It provides an artificial sense of safety for the unwed, and stands in the way of greater faith for the wed.

Just my humble two cents' worth!

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angelica

Julian,
I was so afraid to exclusively practice NFP with my husband because of the thought of having baby after baby. I just didn't know if I could handle it.
Well, with God nothing is impossible. I have two daughters and both were planned. I know more now about my fertility that I ever did and I am go grateful. NFP is simple, safe, and very pleasing to God.

The temptation to use artificial birth control is so great but so are the side effects. Please do you own reasearch about that and ask your husband for his honest opinion about it's safety.

The reason birth control is a sin has already been stated on this thread. I just wanted you to know that many of us question what we are doing but if we pray to do God's will He shows us the way.

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Christina B

Hi All,
Sorry for the long delay in replying. I was able to access internet for awhile. I sincerely and grateful appericate all ur replies.
All i could conclude is, "LOOK TO GOD" and its the only way.
Please pray for me. I really need all ur prayers as much I was in need of all ur suggestions.


Thanks.
For love of Catholic faith.

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Julia Joseph
-----------------------

"Are you crying because you want to do God's will or because you want God to do your will?"
Confessor to St. Frances of Rome

Hi All,
With regard to the starting of this chain, I need more clarification.

In the bible St. Paul says that its better for a widow to re-marry than to live with burning passion. In that case, what would he say ( or God say)for a women who is having her husband and living with no sex because she is not going for artifical birth control for Church sake and husband denies its because he thinks otherwise.


Can I go for artifical birth control?

Please reply


For love of Catholic Church

_________________
Julia Joseph
-----------------------

"Are you crying because you want to do God's will or because you want God to do your will?"
Confessor to St. Frances of Rome

No, it is not permissible to disobey because obedience is difficult. I sympathize with you in this difficult situation, and you have my prayers.

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--Karyn

For the great Gaels of Ireland
Are the men that God made mad,
For all their wars are merry,
And all their songs are sad.

Okay if Our Lord intended for women to be pregnant at all times we would be fertile at all times, which we are not. That 'burning passion' is actually wonderful in a marriage. I know you are worried about pregnancy but NFP truely helps to put those worries to rest. ( not 100 percent of the time, but NO artificial birth control is acurate 100 percent of the time)
The intention of NFP is to learn your cycle of fertility, abstain during those days (if you are avoiding pregnancy), and to live in accordance with God's plan. We are to be 'fruitful' even if we have doubts about how many children we are to have God will not give us more than we can handle.
That said, if you decide that artificial birth control is the only option I think you and you husband need to sit down and speak with your parish priest. I pray that you are able to find the answer you need and that you have the support of your spouse.
Just know that there are so many of us out there who go through this and from my personal experience NFP is the best way to understand fertility and to follow the laws of the Catholic Church.
Please take your worries to your priest. The Catholic Church always wants what is best for us and that cannot be said for a new pill out on the market to prevent life.

You will be in my prayers

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Christina B

Julie
We have had a similar discussion, but I don't remember what the thread was called. The bottom line with birth control is disrespectful of the natural reproductive process. NFP is a way for husband and wife to grow closer and share in the intimacy of this wonderful gift.

It is also important to note that there are long and shortterm risks associated with birthcontrol. Some pills actually allow fertilization, thus they are essentially abortion pills.

Do look into NFP, I think you will be surprised at the accuracy.

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MariaToribia
Christ said, "I am the Truth"; he did not say "I am the custom." -- St. Toribio

Julia, is your husband Catholic?

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Mary-Love

Jesus, I trust in You.

Yes my husband is a catholic and a doctor. But does attend sunday mass and not serious about his faith. He was a staunch catholic till the sudden demise of his father.
We are having a lot of trouble in our marriage and most people say that not being intimate for more than a 1yr could also be a reason for this.
I am losing my patience( not because of intimacy, but his nature itself) on him and starting to dislike him. I am praying a lot these days however, I have never felt so miserable and restless in my whole life.

I wonder if my faith is a blessing or a curse.

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Julia Joseph
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"Are you crying because you want to do God's will or because you want God to do your will?"
Confessor to St. Frances of Rome

Julia,
I will remember you in my prayers, your situation sounds much more complicated. I am in a similar predicament.

Please seek counsel from a priest and if your husband is willing a counselor, before it is too late.

In Christ,

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MariaToribia
Christ said, "I am the Truth"; he did not say "I am the custom." -- St. Toribio

Julia, your Faith is a Blessing.

The curse does not come from God.

You and your husband will get through it with prayer.

We will help you with our prayers and God will do the rest.

Keep trusting Him and remember your husband is a victim of the enemy if he is nasty and impatient.
He is your husband and he loves you or you would not have married. I will certainly pray for The Holy Spirit to step into your marriage.
All you have to do is let Him in and trust Him and try to forgive your husbands' lack of Faith and understanding. He is temporarily lost but God does not let go of us because we are weak.

I promise I will pray for you. I am sure others on this Forum will do likewise for you both.

Love in Christ, Maria.

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Maria

Julia, My heart and prayers go out to you in your difficult situation. Your marriage is a sacred covenant and the Church, in its love and support, wants it to be the best it can be. The sexual act in marriage is God’s gift to you and your marriage relationship and is designed to increase your unity and love for each other. The church teaches that sex in marriage needs to be both unitive and procreative (meaning open to life) to be holy.

By using a contraceptive you are not giving yourself completely to your husband. Your fertility, and his, is being disrespected. There are many benefits to NFP that will help you have a much deeper and more intimate relationship with your husband.

Unfortunately from the churches point of view your husband’s attitude toward sex is harming your relationship and keeping it from being a holy and life giving act that will help you build a more solid marriage.

Marriage is very difficult and we need all the help we can get.

The bible charges wives to respect their husband. Giving unconditional respect to your husband weather he deserves it our not, is your most important duty as a Christian wife (in my understanding from a biblical prespective).

A man who feels unconditionally respected will serve his wife and die for her protection. Men have a built in and overriding need for respect. Giving your husband the respect he needs will most likely bring the greatest unity to your marriage and open his heart to God.

I suggest you present him with theology of the body and or the NFP information and let him know how much you respect him and that your will respect the decision he makes.

The chief sin of contraception is, not being open to life. I hope I don’t ruffle too many Catholic feathers but I would like to suggest that you can still be open to life while you use a contraceptive.

If you let your husband know that you would like to remain open to life, weather or not you are ready for children, and that you want give yourself completely to him (fertility and all), than I believe you are living out what the church teaches.

If your husband turns down that gift (your complete self) and ask you to use contraception, than that is his choice (sin). In this case not respecting your husband and allowing for the unitive aspect of your sexual relationship would IMO be the sin.
This assumes you are OK with to accept the health risks of a contraceptive.

In order to remain open to life you would not just give in and just use contraceptives but would need to re-address this issue on a regular basis. This is my opinion gained from working with priest in discussing this type of matter to engaged couples, but I would suggest you check with your priest to confirm.

I believe letting your marriage die by not engaging in its greatest gift would be a much greater sin than not having that gift be a complete and free gift.

It is also important that this gift be a true act of love toward each other, other than the using of each other which is a common attitude generated by those who contracept.

I will pray for God to bless your marriage and bring it greater intimacy and love.

Peace in Christ,
Mark

Mark,

I have difficulty seeing how respecting one's husband requires a wife to submit to his demands that she practice birth control. I would reveiw Fr. Angel's and Fabrizio's posts further up in this thread. Perhaps it will be acceptable for the wife to accept her husband using a condom if he is coercing her and threatening divorce. But a marriage that breaks up because the wife will not accede to a husband's demands that she use contraception would never be a sin imputed to the wife. It is all the husband's doing.

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Dean
Most people's sense of history goes back to breakfast time - Benjamin Netanyahu

It is a characteristic common to all the perversions that in them reproduction is put aside
as an aim. This is actually the criterion by which we judge whether a sexual activity is
perverse--if it departs from reproduction as its aim and pursues the attainment of
gratification independently. You will understand, therefore, that the gulf and turning point
in the development of sexual life lies at the point of its subordination to the purposes of
reproduction.
--Sigmund Freud
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is futile to hope that the use of contraceptives will be restricted to the mere regulation of
progeny. There is hope for a decent life only so long as the sexual act is definitely related
to the conception of precious life. This rules out perverted sexuality and to a lesser degree
promiscuity. Divorce of the act from its natural consequences must lead to a hideous
promiscuity and to condoning if not endorsement of natural vice.
-- Mohandas Gandhi

I hope this helps even though it comes from a famous Jew and Hindu. I will pray that your husband is converted to the truth of what these quotes describe.

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Sapien

Hi Dean, Perhaps I was being too pastoral. I see a marriage heading toward crisis and I placed it above principle. There are some principles the church should never compromise on.

I think this issue does bring into focus some real potential trouble in the Marriage that need to be focused on. I see a person trapped between two sins.

Getting a doctor to see that prescribing contraceptives is morally wrong in a respectful manner is not going to be easy.

She should be able to respectfully decline to use them on religious grounds but your dealing with someone who may be blind to this truth and wisdom and does not want to see.

I think I would be seeking some marriage counseling and enrichment programs if I was in this situation, preferably some of the new man based programs since most marriage programs are centered on the way a woman thinks and are not as beneficial to men.

There are many great resources at Smartmarriages.com.

Peace in Christ,
Mark

I agree with the comment that contraception prohibits full love in marriage.

Actually, I say thank you, because this has been the one teaching on sexuality that I have never fully understood. I still don't, but this is helping me understand.

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Corey
"I do not care very much what men say of me, provided that God approves of me." - St. Sir Thomas More